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I’ve been doing a Beth Moore bible study with some women in a Sunday school class at church.

That’s a phrase I would never have expected myself to say or type or write even a month ago.  I’m way too advanced or post-modern or San Francisco-esque for Sunday school and Bible study.  That thinking aside, its been very good for me.

But, Beth has been overwhelming with things I need to do.  In her Simulcast, she talked about praying scripture over yourself to replace fear with truth.  In her Living Beyond Yourself bible study, I’ve been studying scripture and connecting to God with my mind.  I have not been here in years.  And, then, on Sunday, in her video she added a new thing to do.  Pour out your concerns to God, so He can pour into you, so you can pour forth to others.  Yes!  All good, I want to do all of it, but I’m overwhelmed.  In the process, I’m creating a list of things to do so I can know I did I good job and feel good about how I’m spending my time.  Now, I’m remembering why I stepped away from this To Do list for awhile.  This is my old pattern of thinking.  Adding to the To Do list and missing the point.

Just showing up, on the other hand, is where  something happens.  A change in me happens when I show up, especially when I show up when I don’t want to.  Its in those times in particular that a shift or a change or a small voice happens.

I’d been racing through the Bible Study, getting it done, staying on top of it.  Then, on Sunday, one of the girls  said she hadn’t done any of it.  A part of me said: “What?!?  You didn’t finish your homework?  I did!  Aren’t we supposed to be accountable to each other.  Its the first week and you haven’t done it!”  Hmm…not where I want my thinking to go.  And, with my head set on just finishing the Bible study, I was missing out, getting bored, drudging along, thinking “I’ve heard this all before.”  But, when I stop and listen there’s something new and good to be learned.

Something clicked for me this weekend.  My new friend Jen invited me to a Beth Moore Simulcast.  Gregg was out of town, so I thought, what the heck?  I might not have gone if Gregg hadn’t been out of town.  I didn’t really want to go except to hang out with my new friend.  Beth Moore is such an engaging speaker and gifted teacher, but I associate her with my high school self.  I associate her with trying so hard to do a good job, get it right, other exhausting thoughts like that.

Well, I’m thankful that I put that aside, even if it wasn’t until after I was already seated in the auditorium listening to the encouraging words that she had for us.  I didn’t expect to receive such a powerful message broadcast from another state and brought to us by internet and a projector.  But she did a really good job of speaking to the women in her own auditorium, as well as to those of us that were listening from a distance.

During the simulcast, I started to ask God for a new mindset, a new mentality when going to spend time in prayer and with His word.  For so long, I went to be with Him, my Bible, and my journal out of duty.  I would sit with Him in the morning because it was the right thing to do, it was what I was supposed to do.  I jumped from the good girl obligation to “I don’t feel like it, so I’m not going to.”  Maybe, I’ll sit and be quiet, write, pray, draw, knit, read something besides the Bible.  But, whenever I tried to read the word, I had the attitude of, I’ve heard this all before.  Every bit of it.  I’ve either read it before, tried to memorize it, been taught it in a youth group or in church or at a camp.  This is how I’ve felt for the past six years.

During this time, I was put at ease by a progressive-thinking pastor in San Francisco.  If something isn’t working for you, in your spiritual life right now, then don’t do it.   For me, that was the Bible.  It wasn’t working for me.  Also during this time, my friend Natalie encouraged me to get the word in my head, to replace any untrue thinking I had with truth.  But my know-it-all/now’s not the right time attitude stood in my way.  But, this weekend, I felt like it was time for a change.

I hesitantly say, that a desire to read God’s word has returned to me. I’m sure I won’t always want to read, but, I found or was given a new mindset.  Coming to God out of brokenness, instead of obligation.  [And its a good brokeness, too.  Not self-deprecating or guilt-ridden, but empty looking to be filled.]  I want to come before God and read His word because I’m better off with it than without it.  Something clicked yesterday.

Beth Moore talked about how she was transformed by scripture.  Changed.  She used to think one way, and, after being with God in prayer through the Bible’s words, something happened.  Her internal thoughts were unrecognizable to herself.  Yes please.

P.S.  I’ve never posted a post like this before (I don’t think).  Writing about faith can come across sounding cheesy sometimes, and I really don’t want that.  But, this was a significant weekend for me that I wanted to share.

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