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Something clicked for me this weekend. My new friend Jen invited me to a Beth Moore Simulcast. Gregg was out of town, so I thought, what the heck? I might not have gone if Gregg hadn’t been out of town. I didn’t really want to go except to hang out with my new friend. Beth Moore is such an engaging speaker and gifted teacher, but I associate her with my high school self. I associate her with trying so hard to do a good job, get it right, other exhausting thoughts like that.
Well, I’m thankful that I put that aside, even if it wasn’t until after I was already seated in the auditorium listening to the encouraging words that she had for us. I didn’t expect to receive such a powerful message broadcast from another state and brought to us by internet and a projector. But she did a really good job of speaking to the women in her own auditorium, as well as to those of us that were listening from a distance.
During the simulcast, I started to ask God for a new mindset, a new mentality when going to spend time in prayer and with His word. For so long, I went to be with Him, my Bible, and my journal out of duty. I would sit with Him in the morning because it was the right thing to do, it was what I was supposed to do. I jumped from the good girl obligation to “I don’t feel like it, so I’m not going to.” Maybe, I’ll sit and be quiet, write, pray, draw, knit, read something besides the Bible. But, whenever I tried to read the word, I had the attitude of, I’ve heard this all before. Every bit of it. I’ve either read it before, tried to memorize it, been taught it in a youth group or in church or at a camp. This is how I’ve felt for the past six years.
During this time, I was put at ease by a progressive-thinking pastor in San Francisco. If something isn’t working for you, in your spiritual life right now, then don’t do it. For me, that was the Bible. It wasn’t working for me. Also during this time, my friend Natalie encouraged me to get the word in my head, to replace any untrue thinking I had with truth. But my know-it-all/now’s not the right time attitude stood in my way. But, this weekend, I felt like it was time for a change.
I hesitantly say, that a desire to read God’s word has returned to me. I’m sure I won’t always want to read, but, I found or was given a new mindset. Coming to God out of brokenness, instead of obligation. [And its a good brokeness, too. Not self-deprecating or guilt-ridden, but empty looking to be filled.] I want to come before God and read His word because I’m better off with it than without it. Something clicked yesterday.
Beth Moore talked about how she was transformed by scripture. Changed. She used to think one way, and, after being with God in prayer through the Bible’s words, something happened. Her internal thoughts were unrecognizable to herself. Yes please.
P.S. I’ve never posted a post like this before (I don’t think). Writing about faith can come across sounding cheesy sometimes, and I really don’t want that. But, this was a significant weekend for me that I wanted to share.
Last Sunday, we had finally decided on a church. We were a little reluctant about it. It was the one with all of the sweet old people that I mentioned several months ago. Its very traditional and liturgical, but similar in structure to our church in Knoxville. And it is close to our house. (I don’t know whether to talk about the church in past tense or present tense, so I’m doing a little bit of both.) We really liked the pastor. He was kind of our deciding factor. The other churches that we have visited all have their own strengths and struggles, and, since we could agree that we liked what this pastor had to say, we finally made a decision.
It started out kind of boring, which is to be expected. I’m not trying to be irreverent here, just honest. The service was boring at first. Then, the pastor gave his sermon. He had good things to say, which is typical for him. Communion came next, which I love. And we ended with a song that I both recognized and liked. Then, a gentleman made an announcement about a new organ that a church committee is thinking about purchasing. He also mentioned the pastor, who resigned last week, would be leaving at the beginning of July. Really? Seriously? I just had to laugh (on the inside). So, I know that the life of this church doesn’t revolve around us. I also know that the life and career decisions of this particular pastor don’t revolve around us. But, come on. We had finally made a decision of where we wanted to be and commit to. And the reason for our decision was leaving.
I don’t really know what’s next for us church-wise. It just seems like everything around us is slow moving, including our decision-making.